Remember when you were a kid, you used to get The Christmas Talk? Be a good girl, a nice boy, or Santa will put a lump of coal in your stocking.
And you just rolled your eyes.
A lump of coal! What kind of child-abusing scumbag would do a thing like that? As it turned out, Santa was a fake. Your mom bought the presents and your dad put up the tree. Your mom and dad were an undercover crime duo, like Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers, and somewhere a cute dog.
It’s never, you’ll notice, a cat.
HERE I AM, STILL UNDERCOVER at the Acme Prep School performing my ethnographic research, while “embedded” in a Grade 8 home period class, on the folk culture of Gen Z and — whatever the heck the next generation is being called.
(Note to self — stop answering the math questions so quickly before you blow your cover. That chocolate milk mustache can’t do all the heavy lifting.)
I’m a member of the last generation to have a meaningful label — “Boomer,” meaning that we talk loudly and over everyone else. This minor tic provokes complaining from the more sensitive types…
MOST OF US, HAVING SEEN Sophie-Grégoire and Justin Trudeau caught in a candid moment gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes, or photogenically romping around with their three children; or having seen Justin’s confident swagger in the presence of women who’ve momentarily lost their composure — there’s a photo somewhere of Ivanka Trump, crazed eyes two feet wide, looking as though she’s about to take her knife and fork and throw him onto her plate — most of us will understand that our guy in Ottawa is without question enthusiastically heterosexual, bless his trendy, eye-popping socks.
So I wanted to emphasize…
Just another attempt by a well-meaning old white guy to talk to other white guys about racism. Let’s see how that works out for me.
… WE HAVE LEFT UNDONE those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us …
— from the General Confession, Book of Common Prayer, 1662 (Anglican Communion)
I’m atheist, by the way. I needed you to know that.
EVERYWHERE I WANDER, I HEAR THE white person’s anxious mantra:
“I’m not racist, I’m always nice to blacks!”
THERE AIN’T NOTHIN’ IN THIS WHOLE wide world angrier than a white American CoronaZombie told they can’t go to their vacation home. Let my people go! Tell old Pharaoh! Or at least Alex Jones.
I’m conflating a bit. The rather freakazoid people seen above are in Ohio; the people who can’t go to their vacation homes, well, there may be others, but as far as I know they are the white people of Michigan, whose governor, a Democrat and a woman, Gretchen Whitmer, has enacted just about the most rigorous stay-at-home orders in the US.
She’s had to, because apparently…
“Wash your hands frequently, don’t touch your face, practise social distancing and work from home.
“Take these precautions seriously, but don’t panic.”
Cana-DA ! Écoute-moi, wash yourself the hands!! And ne touche pas ton visage TABARNAK ! Tu es déjà ugly enough et ça te rendre super-malade malade malade !💊🦠 On s’en calisse le Corona virus !
Ça, c’est fucké, je m’en calisse Maxime Bernier !! Vas chier, Maxime, c’est pas possible comment que t’es cave !! Esti d’épais à marde !!!!
It’s the Chinese people! Calisse des Chinois Tabarnak !!
The CHINESE PEOPLE sent this virus on purpose AND…
+PLUS+ Alberta seeks alternative to “elite, east-rising sun that doesn’t represent our values.”
IN A SURPRISE MOVE THAT HAS LED many disillusioned Canadians to reassess their negative opinions of Justin Trudeau, the re-elected prime minister has finally implemented promised electoral reform by taking every opportunity to emphasize how much better the outcome would have been in a proportional representation (PR) model.
The change of heart was prompted by the knowledge that the Conservative Party had received approximately 250,000 more actual votes than the Liberals; however, in Canada’s dreaded, disenfranchising, first-past-the-post system, it’s constituency seats, not votes, that constitute the final…
plus: Canadian Refusing to Undermine Democracy (CRUD)
JUSTIN TRUDEAU, FRESH FROM HIS “WIN” OF THE Canadian Federal Election, has capitalized on Canadians’ surprisingly laid-back response to his infamous blackface pics by instituting “Blackface Fridays,” the new Parliamentary equivalent of corporate casual days.
“Canadians used their common sense,” he explained, “and perfectly understood that I was in no way acting out like an entitled child of privilege or being utterly tone deaf by smearing on the boot polish and shoving a fake Arabian Nights turban on my head while posing with a bevy of well-stacked babes. They realized it was just…
CLOWNS, LIKE ME, ARE ATTENTION hogs. Something was missing early on. Maybe my mother left me on the soft, nurturing shoulder of Highway 401, outside Pickering Nuclear Power Station, and I took it personally. Or maybe instead of her nipple — and I get an ugh-y shudder of Oedipal horror as I type the word — or the sexless, 1950’s Frankenstein substitute, pacifier and bottle, she offered me a drag on her Craven “A” King Size.
Already hungry for attention, it’s just possible I accepted. After all, I’d been smoking half a pack a day since conception.
Something was missing…
Skipping rhymes from Gen Z —
— with a nod to the 2019 Canadian Federal Election.
I’ VE BEEN UNDERCOVER IN MY SAILOR SUIT AND adorable Hudson’s Bay dress shorts (available only in polyester in Québec, due to the current shortage of “pure laine”) chatting about Dr Seuss and reminiscing about The Friendly Giant with unsuspecting school-age Gen Zed-ers as they go about their daily activities.
You remember the drill: Get to school, line up your Venus pencils in careful gradients and start coloring the edges of your maps if you’re a girl, or roll up some paper spitballs and…