As the endless summer stretches out before me like a million patients etherized upon a million tables — in those private clinics that Doug Ford swears are not the beginning of the end of public health care in Ontario — I realize with horror that I don’t have enough entertainment…

Inside the gloomy sepulchre, sometime around unto the third hour on Easter Sunday, Jesus squinted at his day planner — which didn’t even say “Easter Sunday,” heads were gonna roll over that little slip-up — and sighed with frustration. Three days in this stupid cave, absolutely splitting headache, stigmata throbbing…

and other life hacks for the end times — I wish we could screenshare right now, because I’m experiencing an iconic Canadian moment. Specifically, I’m eating some chicken wings that flew up to Roxham Road to claim refugee status — but were refused asylum, then referred to me. These delicate situations don’t just work themselves out, right? They take…

The reason Michael Knowles claims he is not calling for genocide is that he doesn't believe that transgender persons exist. In his own words: “There can’t be a genocide...it’s not a legitimate category of being. They’re labouring under a delusion. And so we need to correct that delusion”. If the…

Better luck this time. It has come to my attention that a huge proportion of the adult population is dissatisfied with the crappy, inadequate personalities they were born with, and desperately seek to, as it were, upgrade their software to something with more pizza. Or is that “pizzazz”, I get…

Working like a Trojan — I wonder, does that mean a soldier from ancient Troy? With the horse? Or the prophylactic? I can never decide — pulling together the latest collection of my writing, and even though it’s really a simple task of deciding on my best, funniest material, do…

PLUS: #MondayManCrush year-end special It’s the most wonderful time of year, and I want to make extra sure I’ve addressed everyone’s concerns, neuroses and conspiracy theories, because I really, really want you to get just what you asked for. (Or, as expressed by H.L. Mencken: “Democracy is the theory that…

New Liz surprises with bold move — The entire world that lives in London, SW7, is in shock after it was announced yesterday that Queen Elizabeth II had finally kicked the gold-plated bucket at the ripe old age of ninety-six. The shy girl of German ancestry who bravely sacrificed her personal life in exchange for being the…

With a startling and cynical manoeuvre that has left the Democratic congress in tatters, Kyrsten Sinema — miffed when Chuck Schumer advised her, via text: “No third-act redemption for YOU, Little Miss Stonewall, I’m gonna play with the cool kids from now on! Nyaaaaah!” …