Amy Coney Barrett is an Actual Handmaid

I wish I was joking

My suspicions were first aroused when Amy Coney Barrett — and do you mind if I just refer to her from now on as “ACB”? I have my health to consider — when ACB remarked, a propos the MO of Supreme Court Justices, “We’re not just a bunch of partisan hacks!”

I will now share with you a piece of the hard-earned wisdom of my sixty-six years. Namely: when someone so publicly, and in a tone so calculated to make you so ashamed of your lack of faith in little ol’ one, denies the very thing you’d have every right to expect from them, it stands to reason that, sure as god makes white supremacist babies, next thing you know they’ll be doing just that very thing they denied that you had every right to expect from them, and probably before you can even blink out “oh, fuck, I was right!” in Morse code with your eyelids.

So, just like an old grandfather clock tick-tocking in a Texas homestead, ACB, privileged, wealthy white mother of seven children whom she raised single-handed while tossing flapjacks and sewing quilts with the other, lost not a second between contractions as she proceeded to act just like you’d always imagined a partisan hack would act. Because, before you could even exclaim “knock ‘er up agin, we got a megachurch to fill!” came the occasion to consider That Texas Law.