"That never happened."

I first heard this from my mother, who was brazen in denying what the entire family had seen or heard. I think my sisters and I sandboxed this kind of behavior and never expected to experience it outside of our family. We were mistaken.

I heard it again recently from a roommate (since left), and I mention him because it is still fresh. (And he used most of the verbal trickery you mention, it wasn't just an isolated incident.) Even several months later I still can't figure out what weak spot he was exploiting (unless it's the internalized guilt and shame that most gay men my age will be familiar with to some degree).

I always reacted first with disbelief (how can he not remember?) then confusion (maybe it's me, maybe I am wrong...). It didn't help that he also used my age (66, counting backwards) as a weapon, ie. implying that my mental faculties were deteriorating.

It was a profoundly unsettling and disorienting and — lonely experience. It seems like a small thing, "just words," but it demeans you in a way that's hard to describe. Perhaps "absolute isolation" comes close, a feeling that one is nothing.

It gave me a inkling of what women trapped in abusive relationships must experience, a hell of unremitting fear and isolation. I was lucky - I could just give him notice (which itself set off a torrent of manipulative responses and push backs and deliberate delays).

Thank you for your article and for sharing your experience.

DR