Welcome to our world. You said it, brother.
That's what I said when the pandemic came to visit. "Hey, straight people, a virus that's not gay. How do YOU like it, now? How do YOU like the fear, the isolation, the random finger of death? How do YOU like it? I hope you shit your pants in fear, every day." I still feel that way.
I'm gay and 66. I grew up in Canada, but I had essentially the same experience you describe. Until quite recently I sometimes hid, but I consider I've been "out" since childhood, really.
The problem is that this life has scarred me, saddened me, beat me down. I'm exhausted, sad, cynical, defeated. I don't know about you, but that life I had to lead has traumatized me.
You know how "drama queens" are a thing? That's hypervigilance, emotional overreaction caused by my feeling that I'm bad, sinful, architect of my own downfall and disgrace, worried about how that person is feeling, concerned that they're upset because they can see me. Always trying to read their emotional temperature, keep them happy, keep me safe. Always straight to the catastrophic thinking.
"You don't have to flaunt it, you know!" said my mother. Even my own mother spoke of me with disgust.
Disgust is the feeling that leads to vomiting, that ensures we don't eat disgusting things. As a gay man (pace our Lesbian sisters, you don't get the same reaction) I grew up knowing that I was poison. Something sick that would make society sick.
Of course we surround ourselves with beauty, music, opera, art. We know what's out there and what our salvation is. No one can take that from us.
And because we have the choice to hide, many of us did. Those few who could or would not - the Quentin Crisps, the flamboyant queens - are my saints, their visibility their martyrdom.
It's just that... the younger generation fooled themselves that it was getting better.
We're the old guard. We know that it never gets better, though you have to fight like wildcats to at least try.
It never gets better, but we can escape to the private worlds we've conjured up like dreams, out of love and defiance.
It's too bad. We had so much to teach the world.
Be well.
DR
